FAIL

Massive failure of EPIC proportions, yes, it is that dramatic. I went batshit crazy this weekend! I don’t know what got into me. I mean like self-destructive mode at its finest. I have no excuse. I mean I could give you a million different reasons as to why I think I went all Donald Trump style but none of them will justify my actions.  It was as if the old me I had been suppressing came out and wanted a piece of the pie. I made a tiny purchase of a dress for an outing this Friday. This must’ve kick started the avalanche that stirred the old me awake. Yuck. I felt and still feel awful. As my wonderful, always accepting, no matter how deep in shit I am, boyfriend put it, “you feel guilty and that is 10 times more than the old you would’ve felt, and that’s progress.” She was a nasty bitch with no soul. I truly do feel horrible. It really sucked seeing my months of progress swiped away because I went all Rambo at the mall.  For those of you just turning in, I went to the mall on Saturday. I was bad, very, very, bad.

There’s a completely logical solution too, return the items. Anyone with half a brain would be able to understand that but I can’t or I won’t. Which ever it is, neither results in returning anything. This is how I know the old me is still lurking in the shadows. The new me, the one who wants the brighter future and to get this debt thing behind her, knows I should return everything. Not if the evil me has any say. She made sure to “try” half the items so they could not be returned and now they’re mine forever. The other half could still be returned but I just can’t bring myself to it. I know I should. I know I should. I know I should but I just can’t. It would be the ultimate kick in the ass but I already have my claws buried into these new items. My evil mind is telling me all sorts of awful things every time I try to think about returning them. I know they’re lies and its sad, pathetic, lame, every other loser synonym you can throw in there, but it’s me. I clearly am not as “fixed” as I thought I was.

If you ever find yourself in an ugly situation, like myself, here are some words of encouragement from my superhero boyfriend. He doesn’t take credit for them, he just takes credit for googling to find them. 😉

FAIL

First

Attempt

In

Learning

Failure is not falling down but refusing to get up.

While nobody can go back and start a new beginning,  anyone can start today, and make a new ending.

You live, you learn, and you adapt. Become better next time. Two steps forward and the occasional step back is ok. Nobody is perfect.

Rome wasn’t built in a night. This isn’t my first time, and I can pretty much guarantee it won’t be my last, but I’ve got to rebuild. I may have taken 18 steps back but I have to start again, and that’s all you can ask for. We’re all human and make mistakes. I’ve admitted to mine and hope I remember this feeling the next time I want to act like Paris Hilton. Sort of like a bad hangover, you’re hoping that the memory of how shitty you felt will keep you from drinking so much next time. I still have yet to learn that lesson too but that’s another story for another day.

The sun is still shining.

D

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