All the World is a Stage and Most of You are My Punching Bag

If you hate to read about people complaining just stop reading here, I promise you’re not missing anything.

You’ve been punched!

News flash, I’m not a saint, or a nun, or the pope.  Seeing that I’m far from angelic nor heaven sent I’m allowed to have days like today where I’ve wanted to punch every single thing I’ve come in contact with. I’m also allowed to post it on the WWW because I have no aspirations to ever run for any kind of political office so blackmail away f#$%ers.

It started with my alarm clock. Along with my many other issues, I am not a morning person. We all hate alarm clocks. It’s that constant reminder that someone, somewhere, is expecting you to be on time, at a time, that’s not at all convenient for you.  So naturally I wanted to punch my alarm when it decided to remind me I needed to go to work today.

My morning routine usually consists of  me rolling out of bed and jumping in a car. I’m still half asleep when I’m walking out the door.  Today I was heading to the door when I noticed how cute my doggies were looking staring out the window with their tails wagging. I decided they looked so cute they deserved a nice morning greeting. Well a leaf must’ve blown by or something because all hell broke loose. BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! They scared the living shit out of me and proceeded to look back at me like aren’t you proud? Assholes, you’ve been punched. Not really though, I love my doggies.

Has anyone else ever noticed that when you need to be somewhere with some sense of urgency that the rest of the world decides it wants to f@#^ with you? Well that was me this morning.  I was advised that I shouldn’t take my usual route to work because the traffic was bad. Seeing as I was already running late because I punched my phone to get a few more minutes of sleep I didn’t need any more hold ups. Let me see if I can describe this scenario to you without making this post into the novel it’s already turning out to be. Imagine you are waiting at a light in the turning lane. There is a car in front of you. You are far enough into the intersection that you’d be in the middle should you not make the light. Although there’s no reason you shouldnt make this light. The light turns yellow. It’s important to the story to mention there isn’t an oncoming car for at least 5 miles so it should be easy breezy to proceed through the light. No, this clown decides he is going to take up all 30 seconds of the yellow light and 15 seconds into the red light to try to figure out how to turn his wheel.  Yea, punched.

Since I couldn’t take my usual route I couldn’t go to my usual DD, Dunkin Donuts. Good thing for me I know where an alternative DD is. I tell myself, “no big deal, I’ll just go to this other one.”  Seems like the rest of the human population had the same idea. The drive thru line was huge and considering I’m already running late and spent an extra 10 minutes trying to get out of a turning lane, I couldn’t have any more delays. DD you’ve been punched.

I usually cannot brain until I’ve had a cup of coffee and even after that it’s a struggle. I haven’t been to Starbucks since I calculated they were robbing me of all my money but desperate times call for desperate measures. I stroll in and I swear the menu is in not in english. “Why is everything in pig latin? I just want to regurgitate what I read.” No such luck today. In the meantime the barista’s were having a chipper morning because they won’t stop chatting among themselves to help me. “Can I have a tall grande venti mocha iced vanilla caramel non-fat hold the coffee add creamer sofa latte”, eventually stumbles out of my mouth. Starbucks deserves to get punched because I have no idea what I’m drinking right now.

True story, my mom asked me a question this morning and I must’ve been extra charming because as I was typing this post she emailed me this.  What can I say, I’m very subtle in my ways.

Theyre not really punches either, more of love taps, that rock the shit out of your face.


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. jane
    May 31, 2012 @ 10:37:02

    I gave it up a thumbs up because I am scared not too.


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