Beating a Dead Horse

It’s really unfortunate that I have multiply personalities because they do not make decision-making very easy. A little over two months ago I wrote this. I have now found my way back to this predicament. I was looking through pictures and my heart cried a little. I decided then I wasn’t going to deprive myself of the one, crazy ridiculously expensive, thing I love so much. I have one life to live and I want to make sure I can say I did it, for the most part, without regret. Then I get to the checkout screen for the ticket and all the little minions that were telling me this was a good idea scatter. I’m left with the lone guy in the back corner saying I don’t think this is a good idea. WTF minions! I thought we were in this together! Ugh! Now I’m left in the backyard chasing my own tail round and round and round. Each time I think I’ve reached a decision my brain pulls me in the other direction. I told the bf I think I’m having such a difficult time with this because I seriously know what I should do but I don’t want to accept it. I did a list of pros and cons. That didn’t help because over the years I’ve grown and perfected the technique of justifying. I can justify anything. I sit here and look at my list and can justify each pro to each con and vice versa. It’s madness. I’m going to list all my reasons for going and for not going. PLEASE feel free to shed some sane light on my situation because right now insanity is taking over.

GOING (YAY)

Reason#1 – I am paying for it in cash! This will not hinder my debt nor with it affect the amount I’m paying towards my debt. This is money I have tucked away for a rainy day or if I need to flee the country very fast.

Reason #2 – I’m getting to the age where life is changing, aka growing up. I’m going to have more responsibilities and obligations so I don’t know when or if I would be able to go again. Timing is everything. I could very well be able to go the year after that, I just don’t know, and that’s the scary thing. What if something happens and I can’t. Then I will have missed my opportunity and I will wither away and die. Most likely not but I will have the “if only” factor.

Reason #3 – This is far enough in advance where I could save enough to be able to pay for the whole trip credit free, except when I buy my oceanfront bungalow. Kidding, kind of.

NOT GOING (BOO)

Reason #1 – I would be using all 10 days of my allotted vacation time for 2013. We ALL know how I am with my days. Not.a.good.thing

Reason #2 – I’m in debt. I would probably, and by probably I mean most likely, need to buy “things” because I have an illness. I’m not even going to kind of pretend I wouldn’t because I know me and you know me and it will happen.

Reason #3 – I’m in debt. If I am so willing to tap into my savings to buy this ticket then why wouldn’t I take that money and apply it towards my debt. Rhetorical question, I know why, because that’s not fun! This is the only piece of value I have to my name that is actually MY MONEY. Not credit, or a loan, its actual moo-la.

Now I’m sick of listing reasons and I’m discouraged. I’m huffing and puffing and don’t know what to do. These are the moments in life where I ask myself why couldn’t just be a billionaire.

 

May the force be with you

D

Ventilation System

We’re just going to let me vent here and move on or otherwise I might lose my mind. As predicted I did not get my raise. 😦 Please see Boasting if you’re a newcomer.  I can’t act surprised because this is how this company is. They “say” they don’t have money or aren’t able to give anyone bonuses or raises but yet, we’re currently hiring 4 new people! My raise would be half, if not three-quarters,  of one of these new f@$*ing people’s salaries. It’s a joke. It’s a damn joke. Not as funny as me crying during an interview but still. We have picnics, BBQ’s, and parties. I totally get what they are trying to do but hear the cries of the little people upper management! No amount of hot dogs or burgers is going to make us happy. WE want MONEY! The real kicker here, I wasn’t even asking for a crazy large raise. I was asking for like 50 f@#&ing cents so that when my check comes I might have a little more wiggle room to head my cause but nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnoooooooooooooooo we can’t do that. We’re a business and want all our employees unhappy. Horseshit.

My company is the baby in this instance.

Just like most businesses, they are willing to take you for all your worth, but not reward you. They want, they want, they want, but yet they can’t meet half way to give back! Should I start a protest? I’ve always wanted to be in one of those. My picket would be the shit, glitter and all! Back to the point at hand, I think I’m going to start an uprising here and we’ll hog all the news coverage from NATO. Take that! They’ll think twice before not giving me a raise.

I like the direction this is headed.

 

Half of you probably aren’t surprised given what kind of employee I project myself as but I really should’ve gotten a raise. Good day. I said GOOD DAY!

D

One Small Step….

So yesterday’s post, the one I owe you, began like this,

I have a soft spot for mother earth. I shared my love briefly in a previous post but I truly love everything about this planet. I’ve loved animals since before I can remember. My first obsession was horses, then it was wolves and now it is whales. When I tried college out, my ultimate career goal was to become a marine biologist. Who knew you had to learn about plate tectonics before you were able to swim with dolphins, not this girl.  I love plants and flowers.  One of my favorite movies growing up was Ferngully. If you’ve never seen this I recommend you do so right meow! I’ve also always been fascinated by the weather as well.  My mother’s nickname for me growing up was, and still is, weather bunny. This planet is pretty damn amazing if you ask me.  You could learn something new every day, to the moment you die, and you would still not know everything about this world.

I’ve told you all this because I want to send you a message, DON’T BE ME! There’s a tiny piece of me that’s wishes I could go back to school and pursue my dream but school costs money. Money I don’t have.  These are the kind of moments in life where I wish I hadn’t gotten myself into such deep shit. Learn from me. Don’t live in the moment, live for the life you want in the future.

And ended like that.

As I typed away, I thought to myself, why am I writing this like my window of opportunity is over, like I couldn’t go back and finish what I started?  Maybe it was the tea I was drinking or maybe I’m becoming slightly more mature, either way, I had a moment. What happened next was the reason you didn’t have a post yesterday. I got distracted by a sparkly poodle. A poodle so sparkly I did something I haven’t done in 3 years. I enrolled in school again.

This is a big deal for me. This will be my 5th time enrolling. I could give you a different excuse for every time it hasn’t work out in the past. This time, I’m hoping, it’ll different. My gut feeling is telling me it will be. Why, because I actually have a major picked.  In my opinion, not having a major was one of the key elements as to why I feel school never worked out for me, among other reasons. I never had a goal or a reason. I was just going because that’s what my friends were doing and it was what society expected of you after high school.

I’m excited, I’m nervous, I’m scared. I’m a million different feelings all wrapped up in one, even more so than usual. I know I want this. The cost will set me back. I will have to take fewer classes over a longer period of time to be able to afford to go but I have to believe it will all work itself out in the end. If I’m able to gain an education and enter into a field where I know I’ll be happy, I don’t believe you can put a price on that.

All children should see this movie

X (that’s the symbol for fingers crossed)

D

Did You Miss Me?

Since I wasn’t overloaded with new subscribers or comments, I’m going to assume no, but that’s fine because I missed all of you guys and gals! Awww doesn’t that make your heart melt?

Whelp, this little choo-choo derailed again this weekend. I’m sensing a pattern, booze = me thinking I’m a self-made millionaire. The song “Hey Big Spender” comes to mind, only its booze bottles singing to me, not a bunch of “ladies”.

I can’t get discouraged though or I should say I won’t get discouraged. This will be the second time this month I’ve completely gone balls to wall and forgot I was on a mission to reclaim my life. I could curl up into the fetal position and throw the white flag but I won’t. I need to look myself in the mirror and ask myself, “how bad do  you want this?”  I need to fight for what I want.  I got caught up in the moment and lost sight of the bigger picture but all I can do is start again. Below are some lyrics that I find can lend inspiration to any situation life has to offer. Courtesy of Martina McBride, In My Daughter’s Eyes.

“I realize what life is all about. It’s hanging on when your heart has had enough. It’s giving more when you feel like giving up.”

 

The little engine that could never gives up

D

Smelling the Roses

We’ve all heard the saying, “stop and smell the roses.” The meaning being, slow down and take the time to enjoy your surroundings. Generally this is applied to hard workers and since we’ve already established I’m not a hard worker, one might think this couldn’t apply to me. Correction, I’m a hard worker, just not THAT, hard of a worker. Make sense? Probably not, but we’re going to carrying on anyways. Seeing as I’m not an expert at working hard yet, I’m going to apply this quote to debt. Yay! If you spend your life living pay check to pay check, stressing about your bills, worrying about money, you’re going to miss life. Unfortunately, what I’m about to say is going to make me a hypocrite, but I need to say it.

Next time you find yourself about to use your credit card or buy something you cannot afford, STOP, and SMELL THE ROSES. In this instance it’s not about embracing the life around you but more so directed to what you are about to do. Really concentrate and take a moment to reflect on your actions. How is this going to affect your debt? How is this going to make you feel? Is this a necessity? Will this fix any of your current problems? How is this going to help you in the long run? If even one of your answers is no or has a negative response you should NOT being make that purchase. You do yourself no favors by lying or trying to justify the purchase either.

After you’ve walked away, try to focus on the positives. How much closer are you to paying off your debt now? How much more can apply to the bottom line? How are you feeling? I admit the feeling part is difficult, because when you’ve already tricked yourself into thinking you needed that particular item, walking away can be hard, but you’re a stronger person for doing so.

As a reward to ourselves for taking a step towards changing our lives were going to start a savings-on-a-whim box. All you need is some type of box, or even piggy bank, just make sure it something that you can glue, staple, tape, or weld shut. You can have zero access to the contents inside. Also, make sure it’s not clear.  When you arrive back home, put five or ten percent of what you were just about to spend in your savings-on-a-whim box.  It might sound silly, but seriously do this, money adds up over time. Especially when left untouched.  For anyone who is thinking, “Well, if I didn’t have the money to buy what I wanted, why would I have the money to put in a stupid box?” Here are some fast figures for you, 5% of $20 is a $1, and 10% of $50 is $5. You can see what I mean.  These figures aren’t going to cause you to go into further debt, but they will be a nice treat  for you when you get to open your box. Want to know when you get to open your box? Never! Just kidding, when you’re debt free! As long as you are dedicated and don’t cheat yourself you should have a pretty penny waiting for you at the finish line and all because you stopped to smell the roses.

Beautiful roses supplied by the BF ❤

 

One day at a time

D

When the Heart and Brain Collide

Oh you guys, my heart hurts. I had an opportunity last week to purchase a ticket to my home away from home, Maui. I was so close. Initially, it was happening, no second thought needed. Then I chose to think like a rational human being, something I wasnt familiar with. My entire body was screaming take this chance, well, almost my entire body. My brain wasn’t playing along. My heart wanted it so bad yet my brain prevailed. I walked away from purchasing the ticket, and cried. I saw for a brief moment, all my wishes coming true, but my brain took and squished the shit out of them. I mean, I know my brain was in the right. I’m still in debt. Financially, I am not, and will not, be in any position to go on vacation. It was an amazing deal, tickets were unbelievable low, but yet, it was still money I did not have. I get it, I’m just not fully accepting of it yet. This was the real first time I’ve told myself no, and it sucked. I’ve said no to a couple of things in the past but this was the first time having said no to something I really wanted. My boyfriend can vouch, I do not take kindly to being told no. I’m still clinging to the idea that Ill be able to get there one day and that’s all I can do for now.

Happiness is the longing for repetition.

-Milan Kundera

 

No Ka Oi

D

There’s No Substitute for Hard Work

This is good news for the hard workers of the world and bad news for the people like me.  Have I ever mentioned before how lazy I am? I’ve always wanted to be one of those go getter, fire starters, seek and achieve type person but I’m not. I admire the people out there who are. How do you become a hard worker? I mean besides the obvious of working hard, or is that the answer? I have friends that are extremely hard working, why can’t they rub off on me? As I sit here and write this I’m seriously struggling to recall an instance in my life where I really wanted something and got it through hard work. ::cricket noises::   My lackadaisical attitude can be seen in every facet of my life, work, my relationships, and school, when I was going.  Right now there are two things I want so bad that they bring me to tears whenever I’ve had too much to drink and decide to tell my story to any listening ear.  I want to be out of debt, and move to Hawaii. I don’t think I’ve mentioned those before. 😉 I think I’m working hard to achieve them. Am I working hard enough? Maybe, but probably not, because you can always work harder. Excuses and procrastination are in my blood like drive and dedication is for the worker bees of  the world. I want some of what they’re having!  How do I get to become one of these hard workers? Is it too late? Does the old saying of not being able to teach an old dog new tricks apply here?  Who’s to say I’d even become a hard worker after I’d been “taught.”  I want the easy button to life, but then I don’t. It’s a vicious cycle. Wanting something yet not wanting to work for it, who does that? Oh wait, I know, lazy people.

10 points for using lackadaisical

D

P.S. I do work hard, sometimes, but to get any where in this life it seems you have to want to work hard all the time, which I dont.

20something Year Old

This internet machine is really fan-f*%#ing-tastic. Autocorrect is trying to tell me that’s not a word, the hell it’s not. I love the internet, and not just for the fact that it helps me get through the work week, every week. The explorer in me loves the journeys I get to take without leaving my office chair. Every time I find a new blog I get a little glimpse into someone’s life. That little piece of them, they are so courageous to share.  One of the bloggers I follow is The Trouble with Association, Shayla. You can read her blog here. A couple of days back I read one her posts, and it moved me, as well as inspired me. Well, she has done it again. She’s a beautiful writer and puts so much meaning and thought into her words it puts me to shame. She wrote THIS and what kind of follower would I be if I didn’t share my 20something outlook.

I, too, am guilty of hating on my 20’s. I’m not going to put this half as well as Shayla or the original creator but you’re going to get the picture. I personally had a really hard time turning 25 and that’s why I’m still 24. It meant I was growing up. It meant the time for my adolescent foolishness was over but it’s not. This is the perfect time to make mistakes and learn from them. This is when we grow and discover ourselves. We learn who we are and what we want, or don’t want. I can’t say for certain this will be the time I want back most in my life, because hell, I’ve only seen 25 years of it. I’ll be damned though, if I going to lie down, and let time run its course. Live your life, find who you are, and don’t settle for anything less than extraordinary.  There is so much this world has to offer, that this isn’t the time to rush into adulthood. We’ve got a good portion of the reminder of our lives for that. This is our time.

My, not so rhyming, poem to being 20something

I’m in debt, not jail.

I may have thought you had gotten the best of me but you haven’t.

I’m in no rush to grow up but I’m also not afraid of what life has to offer.

I will make mistakes from time to time and probably the same mistake more than once.

 I might’ve spent too much money in the past but I now know money cannot buy you happiness.

 With a lot of perseverance, and some much needed patience, I will get to where I want to be.

 I have hurt the people I love, and I’ve been hurt as well, but it has made me stronger.

I can’t pretend to know what the future holds, but I will try my hardest to prepared.

I’ve got the character needed to get back up when I’ve been knocked down.

I will continue to strive to be the person I’ve always wanted to be.

I will not always do the right thing but I’m learning.

I promise to give myself wholeheartedly to this life.

I’m a 20something year old and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Please take the time to read Shayla’s post as well as the original inspiration because both are great.

25 is the new 25

D

Boasting

I got gutsy last week and asked for a raise. I wasn’t declined, but I wasn’t approved, either. I was sent on an almost impossible task, proving I’m worthy of a raise. Everyone who reads this blog should know I generally write during work hours, strike one. Everyone who knows me personally knows I tend to take off of work a lot, strike two. Now I’m in the batter’s box, staring down the pitcher, and it’s do or die. Well, okay, maybe it’s not that dramatic, but it is crunch time. I’ve been at this company for 2, almost 3 years, and I’ve only had one review. My one and only was after I had been here for 3 months. They were impressed then and excited about what I could offer in the future.  Well the future is here and I’ve never had another review, which is supposed to be done annually.  How do I express I’m worthy of raise without making it sound like I should be getting a raise for having to work? “Uh, well you guys make me work sometimes, so I’m totally over qualified, and I’m not being paid enough to use my brain this often.”

Here’s another problem, I work in an industry that does not have a strenuous work environment. There’s a steady work flow but it’s never overly demanding. Well now I can scratch off the argument of, “I’m so stressed you’re guys are making me go grey so pay me more to cover them up.”  The truth of the matter is I have an extremely easy job that most people would kill for. That’s not to say I’m not a hard worker or dedicated, but now I’m left with the assignment of praising myself for working, which seems ridiculous. If I were my boss, I would’ve laughed in my face, but I was crying so I probably wouldn’t have laughed in my face.  True story, I cried when asking for raise. Who does that? Anyways, in the meantime I stare at a blank document waiting for someone else to write all the ways I’ve expanded the roles of my position. How do I make myself sound important without sounding like every other person in America, “I’m overworked and underpaid damn it!” If only that were the truth I might have an easier time with this undertaking.

 

"Please, sir, I want some more."

 

If anyone I work with has found this post,, I was totally joking about all of the above, I don’t write this at work.

 

D

Fantasy Days

I often find myself fantasizing about another life, which is probably why I have such a hard time with reality. Today is the perfect day for this, the weather is crummy and I have absolutely no work. So I sit and ponder, usually it starts small and ends up with me looking for apartments in Maui. All the what if’s of my life come creeping back and its fun, until it’s not.  I think about all the times when I was faced with a really large decision, what if I had chosen the other option? I’m not talking about what I ate for lunch but the major game changers. What if you could do it all over again and choose the other option? Deciding whether or not to go to college, choosing the less secure of two jobs, moving somewhere you’ve always wanted but were afraid, marrying or not marrying the person no one approved of. Would it change the end result? I guess it would all have to stem from your beliefs, whether you believed in destiny or fate. I’m pretty sure there have been a handful of Hollywood movies that have beaten this horse dead but I still find it interesting. This isnt regret for me, because as I’ve said before, I try to live my life with no regrets. This is more of a game. Imagine this were a sci-fi movie where you got to see the you, you would have been if you had chosen the other option. I would be that girl totally in shock that my “other life” wasn’t fabulous. My fantasy life always has me happy and living the dream. I guess that’s why it’s a fantasy, but I think your mind can’t help sometimes but wonder, what if?

That was a lot for a Monday, I apologize.

D

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