No Animals Were Harmed in the Making of this Post

Where have I been?!? I don’t really know myself. I was in a funk one day that lead to a breakdown of sorts. That was awesome. My co-worker was on vaca this week so I was expected to pick up the slack, which was not cool. After exerting all my energy working, I had no brain magic left to produce words. I deleted my twitter because I realized I could be found on Google. I’ve been trying to figure out how people get the motivation to not want to sit on the couch all the time. I still haven’t found an answer because being lazy is fan-f@*#ing-tastic. I’ve also been mourning the loss of my garden. It’s been fun the last couple of days.

My garden is not a complete loss, yet. When we started this little project I advised the bf that I wasn’t sure how well anything living was going to take because the “soil” was 95% rocks and 5% dirt. Well to my surprise everything took really well, that 5% must have been packed full of nutrients. We were elated. High fives all around. Then we started noticing some children were disappearing in the night. It started with the tops of our pansies. Try to type that with a straight face. Maturity has never been my strong suit. One morning the bf went to water and discovered there had been a massive slaughtering in the night. I mean totally devastation. I should’ve taken pictures but I didn’t so imagine a flower. I bet you probably have a flower on there, maybe even some buds that are just about to bloom, and possibly even some leaves. Yay for nature! Yea well these murders have deprived us of all that beauty. We’ve been left with stems, horribly mutilated stems.  Ive sent out a neighborhood watch but if you have any information to whereabouts of these monsters please let your local authorities know immediately.

Last seen wearing a cotton tail and hopping west.

NOT cool bunnies, not cool

D

Lets Talk Koalas

Yep these guys

This is completely off topic, as if this blog ever stuck to the topic. Like most households, my dad rules the  television.  We have to ask watch one of our shows, our being my mother and me.  So most of the time we’re left watching what he has decided will be the entertainment for the night. Mainly I will just hightail it to my room to watch what I want. Occasionally though, I like to be social, so I’ll sit and watch whatever is on with the roommates. Last night was koalas.

I guess I’ve never really delved into all things koalas but I  just assumed they were as cute and cuddly as they look.  I guess I should’ve predicted they would be mean little f#*$ers. They do have bear in their name, but I mean they are flat-out nasty! They opened last night show with Mary, who was a slut, and Harry. Well apparently being a female koala entitles you to get humped whenever the male damn well pleases. Sound familiar? Lucky for us it isn’t all “hey baby get over here”, because Mary actually puts up a fight. She’s saving herself for the Buster, alpha koala, hubba hubba. Please find the clip below which demonstrates the noises these little furry, not so nice, creatures produce!

You’re shocked aren’t you, cause so was I! Who would’ve known? The howling/growling type noise you hear at the end is to signal victory.   So they go from being this whinny, little annoying noise, to this fierce, Id be looking for a panther somewhere  in a tree, type noise. The f$%^ is this shit?

Now that we’ve established these creatures are not nice or cuddly we can move on to the way they move. I’m going to go out on limb here and assume most of you have only seen koalas, well, on a limb. ( I totally planned that from the beginning) Sitting in a tree all mellowed out because they sleep 18 hours a day.(?!?) When they do decide to move, it’s hilarious. The documentary showed these guys walking around and I almost peed my pants. See video below

 

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN SOMETHING SO FUNNY!?!? Probably but I crack up every time!  Evolution gave you the short end of the stick koalas. I imagine this is what a frog would look like if it decided to walk instead of hop. I mean it’s just ridiculous. Stick to the tree koalas, stick to the trees.

Thanks for tuning into this week’s Diane Don’t Know Shit About Shit. Tune in next week where we’ll be exploring blind mole rats. We won’t really be, I just had to put something to make it sound cool.

Have a nice weekend y’all.

D

Sun Smacked

My boyfriend recently purchased a house and just like everything else, the garden needed some major TLC. See my mother’s guest post to learn all about my family’s passion for gardening. Due to age, like most of the house, the garden’s upkeep stopped probably around the 1950s. I wish I was joking.  So while the experts are doing their thang on the inside, I’m going to do my thang on the outside. I’m, with the help of my buff bf, bringing this garden back to life, BOOM!

Yesterday team garden decided to dedicate our whole Sunday to manual labor. It was going to be a beautiful day and seeing as the last time we tried to get out there it turned into a muddy lake that we never signed up for, carpe diem. I threw on my best white tank top and headed out the door. Sunny and a high of 70. I was going to get some bomb ass color. The look of being sun-kissed. That look I have been longing for all winter/spring long.  Well thanks to my genealogical heritage, I’m considered fair-skinned, if not just downright see through most of the time. I’m Irish, German, and Swedish. Go team Europe.  Seeing as I’m coming up on the ripe age of 26ish, I mean 21 still, you would think I would’ve learned a thing or two about my skin.  Apparently I’m just meant to be one of these people who have to make the same mistake 15 times until we can say we’ve learned our lesson.

After dedicating about 5 hours of labor, the sun does more than just kiss you, it smacks the shit out of you. The garden looks phenomenal but my skin is a different story. My skin looks like it did when I was 5 and forget to put sunscreen on. I’ll be peeling in a few days.

Before: When in doubt cover it with stones, lots and lots of damn stones.

After: Still far from complete

After After: I’ll have my white tank top (and bra strap, how awkward) with me where ever I go.

Happy Gardening Season!

D

Guest Post with the Most

It is with great honor that I get to introduce my guest blogger for today’s post, my mother! ::Standing ovation:: I was feeling funky and didn’t want to force a post. My mommy stepped up to the plate and did an awesome job, plus she’s talking about me so that’s always cool. 😉 Enjoy!

Are guest writers allowed on blogs? I didn’t think so but here I am, so now we know it is indeed possible.

I am D’s mom. It’s so funny to me that she has this blog. I have always enjoyed writing. Friends and family have told me I should write a book or at the very least, a blog. Never. Not me. To put my words out there for everyone to read and judge. Yeesch. Not my style. Yet here I am. Why? I am not sure. Instead of another IOU perhaps?

Today’s topic will be “Playing In Dirt.” A term I use to describe gardening. Specifically, flower gardens. In our family, from my mother’s side, it runs deep. Diane’s great grandfather had a beautiful garden. Over 100 rose bushes at one time. My mom, all her sister’s, and so many of my cousins, are passionate gardeners that I have to believe it is genetically passed down. My mom had a flower garden in our yard where I grew up. In the Spring and Summer she was always puttering around. Moving things from one spot to another. Planting a new purchase. Moving it if it was not “happy” in its original location. Watering. Always watering. And pulling weeds. I remember her saying “When I got mad at your father, I would go out and pull weeds. I always had the nicest garden.”  The longer I am married, the funnier that gets. After we moved into our first house, she came over one day while I was at work and planted some rose bushes in the yard. My girlfriends had mom’s who helped them paint, hang curtains or cleaned all the appliances when they moved in their first house. Not mine. I got rose bushes. And I loved it. So it is with great pleasure that I can say that Diane has ”it.” This love of flowers and dirt. She loves shopping for flowers. Well, anyone reading this blog knows Diane loves shopping. Period. But this is different.  I can see it by the look in her eyes looking at a 6 pack of annuals. It is a perfect outlet for her creativity and love of colors. A garden is the ultimate blank canvas. Some people will see a plot of dirt and want to put some sod down or cover it with stones. Not us. So much potential!!

“If they love it, they will always love it. If they don’t, they may learn to appreciate it, but it will never become part of their soul.”

That is from the movie Pretty Woman. Richard Gere’s character is talking about opera but it fits here as well.  There are times as a parent you wonder about your ‘legacy.’ If things you love will be carried on to future generations. With regards to gardening, I feel I can safely say “My work here is through.” -Mom

 

Consider this your mother’s day gift Mom 😉

D

One Small Step….

So yesterday’s post, the one I owe you, began like this,

I have a soft spot for mother earth. I shared my love briefly in a previous post but I truly love everything about this planet. I’ve loved animals since before I can remember. My first obsession was horses, then it was wolves and now it is whales. When I tried college out, my ultimate career goal was to become a marine biologist. Who knew you had to learn about plate tectonics before you were able to swim with dolphins, not this girl.  I love plants and flowers.  One of my favorite movies growing up was Ferngully. If you’ve never seen this I recommend you do so right meow! I’ve also always been fascinated by the weather as well.  My mother’s nickname for me growing up was, and still is, weather bunny. This planet is pretty damn amazing if you ask me.  You could learn something new every day, to the moment you die, and you would still not know everything about this world.

I’ve told you all this because I want to send you a message, DON’T BE ME! There’s a tiny piece of me that’s wishes I could go back to school and pursue my dream but school costs money. Money I don’t have.  These are the kind of moments in life where I wish I hadn’t gotten myself into such deep shit. Learn from me. Don’t live in the moment, live for the life you want in the future.

And ended like that.

As I typed away, I thought to myself, why am I writing this like my window of opportunity is over, like I couldn’t go back and finish what I started?  Maybe it was the tea I was drinking or maybe I’m becoming slightly more mature, either way, I had a moment. What happened next was the reason you didn’t have a post yesterday. I got distracted by a sparkly poodle. A poodle so sparkly I did something I haven’t done in 3 years. I enrolled in school again.

This is a big deal for me. This will be my 5th time enrolling. I could give you a different excuse for every time it hasn’t work out in the past. This time, I’m hoping, it’ll different. My gut feeling is telling me it will be. Why, because I actually have a major picked.  In my opinion, not having a major was one of the key elements as to why I feel school never worked out for me, among other reasons. I never had a goal or a reason. I was just going because that’s what my friends were doing and it was what society expected of you after high school.

I’m excited, I’m nervous, I’m scared. I’m a million different feelings all wrapped up in one, even more so than usual. I know I want this. The cost will set me back. I will have to take fewer classes over a longer period of time to be able to afford to go but I have to believe it will all work itself out in the end. If I’m able to gain an education and enter into a field where I know I’ll be happy, I don’t believe you can put a price on that.

All children should see this movie

X (that’s the symbol for fingers crossed)

D

You Know What I Love…

Besides the obvious of family, friends, and the bf.

I love music.

I love color.

I love making others happy.

I love animals.

I love flowers.

I love being happy.

I love water.

I love nature.

I love food.

I love my bed.

I love stuffed animals.

I love pictures.

I love sunshine.

I love painting.

I love warmth.

I love trying new things.

I love laughing.

I love Fridays.

I love bathes.

I love reading.

I love that this isn’t a real post but I put it out there anyways.

D

Let’s Be Productive

Here’s a list of everything I wish I was doing, obviously, not all at once because I’m not wonder women.

  • Swimming in the ocean
  • Laying in the sun
  • Eating lunch on a yacht
  • Winning the lotto
  • Hearing a lion’s roar in the wild
  • Surfing, because in this is imaginary land Id be good at it
  • Scuba Diving the Great Barrier Reef
  • Going to the airport, for some reason airports are exciting to me
  • Sleeping under the stars
  • Sipping on fruity drinks
  • Discovering waterfalls
  • Taking pictures
  • Riding a camel
  • Spying on a whale shark
  • Trekking through the rainforest
  • Bungee Jumping
  • Parasailing
  • Holding a koala
  • Going on a safari
  • Watching a sunset
  • Kayaking on crystal clear waters
  • White water rafting
  • Jet Skiing
  • Watching a grizzly bear catch a fish
  • Meditating with the Buddhist
  • Bicycling the coast, any coast I’m not picky
  • Wash an elephant, oh wait, done and done 😉

Proof I did in fact wash an elephant

Here’s a list of what I’m doing, obviously, all at once because I’m multi talented

  • Blogging
  • Drinking water

Well as long as that wasn’t depressing

D

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