Court is in Session

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, today I will prove beyond a reasonable doubt that women have it harder than men. I’m not here to complain about equals rights. I’ll leave that to someone who knows what they’re talking about. No, today I am here to discuss pain. Particularly, the age-old battle of who has it worse, men being kicked in their jewels, or women receiving their monthly friend. This argument has waged over centuries and many a war has been started, slight exaggeration, but today I will put an end to this quarrel! Below you will find researched, creditable information, provided by professionals in their relative field of expertise. Well one professional, that happens to be me, Dr. Ichards.

Now we’ve all been children and we’ve all had males as friends and we’ve all thought at one point it might be funny to see how your male friend would react if you “kicked him in the nuts”. You only make that mistake once. Nothing transforms a fun, laid back, male faster than having his pride bumped.  As females, we sympathize and are apologetic for a long time, because we’ve never experienced something that could cause that much pain. Then we hit puberty, have our first period, and from that point on our sympathy card is gone. From then on its, “Get over it, have you ever had a period?”

Pain –Males, imagine the worst charlie horse you’ve ever had. Remember that feeling, good. Now place that feeling on the inside of your body. A place where you are unable to reach, to massage, to alleviate the pain. Now on top of that, put a little devil poking that charlie horse with his trident.  Yea, that’s right, welcome to a women’s period.

Duration – Men we get it, getting your pride nudged hurts like hell. Try to picture for a second that the pain you experience for a couple of minutes, dragged out for days. Welcome to cramps.

Above are probably the only two comparisons that may be somewhat equal. Based upon my knowledge and expertise I would say that women have already won but I’ll continue.

Emotions – Ah yes, last time I checked getting booted in the gonads doesn’t send you on a roller coaster of emotions. You might be angry for a little bit but it’s nothing compared to PMS. That magical word males love to throw around at exactly the wrong time. Here’s a fun experiment males, try telling you lady friend that she’s PMSing while she’s PMSing.

"Say that to me again and see what happens."

You’re happy one minute, you’re crying the next. The next you want to punch small kittens in the face. Maybe that’s a personal thing. Either way, I don’t think the jewels being shaken causes this much madness to a persons demeanor.

Boobs – Massive, well larger than before, sore, BOOBS. So sore you contemplate removing them. This could also be a personal thing. As far as I can recall I don’t think having your prized gems smacked around makes your arms swell and hurt.  The best part is because they are ripe they become all that more appealing to males. Want another fun test males? Try to touch them when they’re in this fragile state.

"Do you have a death wish?"

Hunger – I’m quite certain the last thing males want to do after having the pearls batted around is eat. Well thanks to hormones that’s all we want to do. Not normal food or average portions either.

“I want loaves of dark chocolate.”

“Well, honey they don’t offer loaves of chocolate, I can get you a bar.”

"Find me a f*%$ing loaf of dark chocolate!"

Acne– Men go through puberty, sprout hair in weird places, and develop a deeper voice. Some, may have a brief phase of a year or 2, where their skin is trying to figure out what the hell is happening. Awesome, congratulations men. Women, nope, we get to break out like we are 15 years old again, every month. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Based on this proof, I can safely draw the conclusion that men should never complain again when the family jewels get knocked around. Also, we already knew that men were babies, so it wasn’t even a fair fight. However, CASE CLOSED!

Why this rant, because I’m suffering here, and I needed to make sure it didn’t go unnoticed. Also, it could be because I wanted to be a raging b$*@%. Either way to all my male readers, I’m sorry I had to call you out, please don’t leave. Remember this is one girls opinion, feel free to reach out to other females who might have an ounce of sympathy for you.


Dr. Ichards

P.S. Not ALL men are babies, just a large majority are. 😉

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