Beating a Dead Horse

It’s really unfortunate that I have multiply personalities because they do not make decision-making very easy. A little over two months ago I wrote this. I have now found my way back to this predicament. I was looking through pictures and my heart cried a little. I decided then I wasn’t going to deprive myself of the one, crazy ridiculously expensive, thing I love so much. I have one life to live and I want to make sure I can say I did it, for the most part, without regret. Then I get to the checkout screen for the ticket and all the little minions that were telling me this was a good idea scatter. I’m left with the lone guy in the back corner saying I don’t think this is a good idea. WTF minions! I thought we were in this together! Ugh! Now I’m left in the backyard chasing my own tail round and round and round. Each time I think I’ve reached a decision my brain pulls me in the other direction. I told the bf I think I’m having such a difficult time with this because I seriously know what I should do but I don’t want to accept it. I did a list of pros and cons. That didn’t help because over the years I’ve grown and perfected the technique of justifying. I can justify anything. I sit here and look at my list and can justify each pro to each con and vice versa. It’s madness. I’m going to list all my reasons for going and for not going. PLEASE feel free to shed some sane light on my situation because right now insanity is taking over.

GOING (YAY)

Reason#1 – I am paying for it in cash! This will not hinder my debt nor with it affect the amount I’m paying towards my debt. This is money I have tucked away for a rainy day or if I need to flee the country very fast.

Reason #2 – I’m getting to the age where life is changing, aka growing up. I’m going to have more responsibilities and obligations so I don’t know when or if I would be able to go again. Timing is everything. I could very well be able to go the year after that, I just don’t know, and that’s the scary thing. What if something happens and I can’t. Then I will have missed my opportunity and I will wither away and die. Most likely not but I will have the “if only” factor.

Reason #3 – This is far enough in advance where I could save enough to be able to pay for the whole trip credit free, except when I buy my oceanfront bungalow. Kidding, kind of.

NOT GOING (BOO)

Reason #1 – I would be using all 10 days of my allotted vacation time for 2013. We ALL know how I am with my days. Not.a.good.thing

Reason #2 – I’m in debt. I would probably, and by probably I mean most likely, need to buy “things” because I have an illness. I’m not even going to kind of pretend I wouldn’t because I know me and you know me and it will happen.

Reason #3 – I’m in debt. If I am so willing to tap into my savings to buy this ticket then why wouldn’t I take that money and apply it towards my debt. Rhetorical question, I know why, because that’s not fun! This is the only piece of value I have to my name that is actually MY MONEY. Not credit, or a loan, its actual moo-la.

Now I’m sick of listing reasons and I’m discouraged. I’m huffing and puffing and don’t know what to do. These are the moments in life where I ask myself why couldn’t just be a billionaire.

 

May the force be with you

D

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When the Heart and Brain Collide

Oh you guys, my heart hurts. I had an opportunity last week to purchase a ticket to my home away from home, Maui. I was so close. Initially, it was happening, no second thought needed. Then I chose to think like a rational human being, something I wasnt familiar with. My entire body was screaming take this chance, well, almost my entire body. My brain wasn’t playing along. My heart wanted it so bad yet my brain prevailed. I walked away from purchasing the ticket, and cried. I saw for a brief moment, all my wishes coming true, but my brain took and squished the shit out of them. I mean, I know my brain was in the right. I’m still in debt. Financially, I am not, and will not, be in any position to go on vacation. It was an amazing deal, tickets were unbelievable low, but yet, it was still money I did not have. I get it, I’m just not fully accepting of it yet. This was the real first time I’ve told myself no, and it sucked. I’ve said no to a couple of things in the past but this was the first time having said no to something I really wanted. My boyfriend can vouch, I do not take kindly to being told no. I’m still clinging to the idea that Ill be able to get there one day and that’s all I can do for now.

Happiness is the longing for repetition.

-Milan Kundera

 

No Ka Oi

D

Let’s Be Productive

Here’s a list of everything I wish I was doing, obviously, not all at once because I’m not wonder women.

  • Swimming in the ocean
  • Laying in the sun
  • Eating lunch on a yacht
  • Winning the lotto
  • Hearing a lion’s roar in the wild
  • Surfing, because in this is imaginary land Id be good at it
  • Scuba Diving the Great Barrier Reef
  • Going to the airport, for some reason airports are exciting to me
  • Sleeping under the stars
  • Sipping on fruity drinks
  • Discovering waterfalls
  • Taking pictures
  • Riding a camel
  • Spying on a whale shark
  • Trekking through the rainforest
  • Bungee Jumping
  • Parasailing
  • Holding a koala
  • Going on a safari
  • Watching a sunset
  • Kayaking on crystal clear waters
  • White water rafting
  • Jet Skiing
  • Watching a grizzly bear catch a fish
  • Meditating with the Buddhist
  • Bicycling the coast, any coast I’m not picky
  • Wash an elephant, oh wait, done and done 😉

Proof I did in fact wash an elephant

Here’s a list of what I’m doing, obviously, all at once because I’m multi talented

  • Blogging
  • Drinking water

Well as long as that wasn’t depressing

D

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