So Close

 This is a perfect analogy for how I feel about school right now…..

Almost little buddy, almost

D

Heres Mommy!

Oh my little tiger lilies I’ve neglected you once again. I’m probably the worst kind of blogger there is. That’s not even talking about the grammar portion. I was in hiatus. School was overwhelming me and still is. Not overwhelming, but stressing me the f#$* out. The holiday in the middle of the week jacked me up. I’ve put off so much work at work that I’m now in panic catch up mood. I spent money, a lot more than I should have.  A giant polar bear maliciously attacked me. I made up that part. I figured since I seemed full of excuses that I would try my hand at an imaginary one.  I have this eerie feeling that I’m going to get fired, from both jobs. Maybe it’s my conscience telling me to shape up or maybe it’s my subconscious wishing I could be unemployed. No worries though, the logical part of my brain chimes in real fast. It makes sure to tell me to straighten the f#($ up because you would have collections on your ass so fast, you need your jobs.  I’m thinking more and more about entrepreneurship. I could be my own boss, sleep however late I wanted to, make up my own hours, and pay myself a six figure salary. It’d be awesome. I just gotta find the “entre” or “preneurship” of that idea, which ever is the business definition of that word. I’ve got the person, I just need the business.  Yes, I understand I can’t pay myself six figures without having the business that would allow me to bill six figures. Gosh! Why do you guys have to be such dream crushers! Let a girl dream for a little!

In other news Ted is an awful movie and anyone who said it was “hilarious” should be shot in the foot because that’d be funny then that movie.

Happy Muggle Day, because today I’m a wizard.

D

My Bad

::sneaking into the back of the class because you’re late. You’re trying not to get noticed until you trip over a desk and launch all your books in the air::

Teacher: And Ms Richards where have you been?

Me: Um, er, I was busy doing, um, stuff.

Teacher: I’m not buying it. What was so important that you felt you could not only, not show up to class the last 6 days, but that you would think no one would notice?

Me: Um, err, I was busy…. yea, I was busy with stuff.

Teacher: Then you have the nerve to waltz in here like nothing happen and cause a scene! Well we hope for the sake of your future here that you’re prepared to make it up to us because it’s not going to easy.

Me: But I was busy, procrastinating and stuff.

Teacher: ::stern look like we’re not f#@%ing amused::

If you haven’t picked up on it, because I’m horrible with analogies, you guys are the teacher. I’m sorry. I’ve been completely, um, er, busy…. with stuff.  It’s been a combination of trying to figure out why I thought getting a second job and starting school again at the same time was a good idea and balancing being a drunk so that I don’t completely lose my outstanding social status. Honestly though I’ve just been busy. Its f$#*ed up y’all. Forgive me? I’ll make it up to you. Probably not though but it always sounds good when you’re trying to make an apology.  I was going to share with you the profile/story I had to create for my English class but I thought better of it, because if my teacher ran it through the plagiarizer 5000 this site would probably come up, and I would have a hell of time trying to explain that I didn’t plagiarize myself.

My slackiness all started because I had to write my introductory speech last Thursday and that took all my creative juices. Who would’ve thought writing about yourself would be hard? Then it was Friday and my co-worker wasn’t here so I had to work, again! That’s twice in one month for anyone keeping count. Then it was Saturday and no one checks this, so I just said f#$% it. Then it was Sunday and I was extremely, borderline dying, hung over. Yesterday was Monday and I thought, “Oh I’ll just write tomorrow because it’s not like anyone misses me”. Then I got yelled at on Facebook for not doing my blog and people “like”d that I was being yelled at so this is for you guys. Assholes. 🙂

Cute Puppy Distraction!

Quick Diane, run while they’re distracted!

D

Crack is Wack

There are 3 people in this world who know about the madness that is my dreams. I’m not talking about future ambition dreams but like actual dreams that get dreamt at night. They are my mom, my bf and one of my gfs. My gf is the only one who listens and kind of somewhat gets it because she herself can recall her dreams. They are almost as cracked out as mine but I take the icing on the cake.

I guess most people don’t recall their dreams. For as long as I can remember I’ve been able to remember mine which would explain why I have such a distorted perception of the world because who wants to come back to reality when you can have dream land all the time.  Generally it’s my mom who gets subjected to listening to my insanity and the conversation usually ends with, “do you do drugs in your room at night?” Most of the time the answer is no, just kidding the answer is always no. D.A.R.E., drugs are really expensive and I’m broke.

Well last night I had one of my more exciting dreams and by exciting I mean I get interactive. I need to be in a sleep study program because the scientist/doctors/aliens would have such a good time watching me. I can’t recall the whole dream, which is rare, because most of the time I can remember the madness from the beginning. Any who, for whatever reason I had won something and I was being given the options for my prizes. They were all pretty shitty to begin with but then they, I don’t know who they was, got to the last one and they were these crabby spiders they released. I explained to my mom, “Not crabby like they had a bad day but crabby like they had hard bodies and ticked when they walked.”  Well the release of these crabby spiders made me react in real life. Cue scene.

Me jumping out of bed, staring at my blanket because there could possibly be crabby spiders under there, My thought process.

“oh f@#&, oh f%($, oh f*@%, please don’t be there, please do be there. Shit it’s so dark how am I suppose to know if they’re there or not. I need to find a light to check but my phones on my bed and if I go on my bed and they might attack. I don’t want to flip on my light because it’s going to be so f#&*ing bright and holy shit its 415am!  I’m not in the mood for crabby spiders right now.”

I finally flip on my light.

“Okay I don’t see anything but just in case they are under my cover I’ll pull it off really fast.”

I pull my cover and discover, gasp, nothing. I turn off my light and hop back into bed pulling my blanket back on top of me.

“I really hope they didn’t cling to the under part of the blanket I didn’t check.”  Last thing I remember.

I mean you can’t make this shit up. This isn’t the first time either. I’ve put on a jacket before, I’ve caught myself in the middle of a conversation with no one, I’ve caught myself with my eyes open. Don’t think to hard about that last one but shit is weird! It usually isn’t until the morning when I have to assess what was real and what wasn’t that I actually recall shit got crazy in the night.

You know who I feel really bad for in this situation? The bf because not only is he going to be subjected to listening to my madness but he’ll also get to experience the interactive dreams first hand when were living together. Yay for you boo! Promise you won’t leave me if I pull the covers off of you in the middle of the night? I’m just ensuring our safety from the crabby spiders.

Anyone else has “interactive” dreams?

D

No Animals Were Harmed in the Making of this Post

Where have I been?!? I don’t really know myself. I was in a funk one day that lead to a breakdown of sorts. That was awesome. My co-worker was on vaca this week so I was expected to pick up the slack, which was not cool. After exerting all my energy working, I had no brain magic left to produce words. I deleted my twitter because I realized I could be found on Google. I’ve been trying to figure out how people get the motivation to not want to sit on the couch all the time. I still haven’t found an answer because being lazy is fan-f@*#ing-tastic. I’ve also been mourning the loss of my garden. It’s been fun the last couple of days.

My garden is not a complete loss, yet. When we started this little project I advised the bf that I wasn’t sure how well anything living was going to take because the “soil” was 95% rocks and 5% dirt. Well to my surprise everything took really well, that 5% must have been packed full of nutrients. We were elated. High fives all around. Then we started noticing some children were disappearing in the night. It started with the tops of our pansies. Try to type that with a straight face. Maturity has never been my strong suit. One morning the bf went to water and discovered there had been a massive slaughtering in the night. I mean totally devastation. I should’ve taken pictures but I didn’t so imagine a flower. I bet you probably have a flower on there, maybe even some buds that are just about to bloom, and possibly even some leaves. Yay for nature! Yea well these murders have deprived us of all that beauty. We’ve been left with stems, horribly mutilated stems.  Ive sent out a neighborhood watch but if you have any information to whereabouts of these monsters please let your local authorities know immediately.

Last seen wearing a cotton tail and hopping west.

NOT cool bunnies, not cool

D

Hi ho, hi ho…

it’s off to work I go. This is a little later than I’d hoped. I can only hope you guys weren’t postponing your Saturday activities in anticipation of this post. I’ve got jokes. Well here I am and here you are and I’ve got nothing. I’m pretty sure I’m in love with my new job. It’s probably a little too soon to be speaking so seriously but I have to believe fate played a role here. I feel this strongly and I haven’t even seen a pay check. That’s how you know it’s love.  There are floor to ceiling windows I get to creep, I mean people watch, all day. The office is located in a busy little community so it is constantly pulsing with activity. There are little shops on every corner.   I’ve got my phone playing my music and they serve Starbucks coffee as the office coffee. That’s outrageous! I’m not mad about it. They just need to get a little barista back there to brew up my magic elixir and I’d probably propose. That’s all for now, I have to go feed the ponies, and let the puppies out. Just kidding but there is a unicorn.

Meet Bob. I’m teaching him to make my coffee.

D

All the World is a Stage and Most of You are My Punching Bag

If you hate to read about people complaining just stop reading here, I promise you’re not missing anything.

You’ve been punched!

News flash, I’m not a saint, or a nun, or the pope.  Seeing that I’m far from angelic nor heaven sent I’m allowed to have days like today where I’ve wanted to punch every single thing I’ve come in contact with. I’m also allowed to post it on the WWW because I have no aspirations to ever run for any kind of political office so blackmail away f#$%ers.

It started with my alarm clock. Along with my many other issues, I am not a morning person. We all hate alarm clocks. It’s that constant reminder that someone, somewhere, is expecting you to be on time, at a time, that’s not at all convenient for you.  So naturally I wanted to punch my alarm when it decided to remind me I needed to go to work today.

My morning routine usually consists of  me rolling out of bed and jumping in a car. I’m still half asleep when I’m walking out the door.  Today I was heading to the door when I noticed how cute my doggies were looking staring out the window with their tails wagging. I decided they looked so cute they deserved a nice morning greeting. Well a leaf must’ve blown by or something because all hell broke loose. BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! They scared the living shit out of me and proceeded to look back at me like aren’t you proud? Assholes, you’ve been punched. Not really though, I love my doggies.

Has anyone else ever noticed that when you need to be somewhere with some sense of urgency that the rest of the world decides it wants to f@#^ with you? Well that was me this morning.  I was advised that I shouldn’t take my usual route to work because the traffic was bad. Seeing as I was already running late because I punched my phone to get a few more minutes of sleep I didn’t need any more hold ups. Let me see if I can describe this scenario to you without making this post into the novel it’s already turning out to be. Imagine you are waiting at a light in the turning lane. There is a car in front of you. You are far enough into the intersection that you’d be in the middle should you not make the light. Although there’s no reason you shouldnt make this light. The light turns yellow. It’s important to the story to mention there isn’t an oncoming car for at least 5 miles so it should be easy breezy to proceed through the light. No, this clown decides he is going to take up all 30 seconds of the yellow light and 15 seconds into the red light to try to figure out how to turn his wheel.  Yea, punched.

Since I couldn’t take my usual route I couldn’t go to my usual DD, Dunkin Donuts. Good thing for me I know where an alternative DD is. I tell myself, “no big deal, I’ll just go to this other one.”  Seems like the rest of the human population had the same idea. The drive thru line was huge and considering I’m already running late and spent an extra 10 minutes trying to get out of a turning lane, I couldn’t have any more delays. DD you’ve been punched.

I usually cannot brain until I’ve had a cup of coffee and even after that it’s a struggle. I haven’t been to Starbucks since I calculated they were robbing me of all my money but desperate times call for desperate measures. I stroll in and I swear the menu is in not in english. “Why is everything in pig latin? I just want to regurgitate what I read.” No such luck today. In the meantime the barista’s were having a chipper morning because they won’t stop chatting among themselves to help me. “Can I have a tall grande venti mocha iced vanilla caramel non-fat hold the coffee add creamer sofa latte”, eventually stumbles out of my mouth. Starbucks deserves to get punched because I have no idea what I’m drinking right now.

True story, my mom asked me a question this morning and I must’ve been extra charming because as I was typing this post she emailed me this.  What can I say, I’m very subtle in my ways.

Theyre not really punches either, more of love taps, that rock the shit out of your face.

D

COFFEE!!

I honestly think it’s been 3 months since I’ve had me a cup of joe. Today is the 5^th day of my return to coffee bender. This isn’t a cry for help because I’m loving every moment of it! F yes coffee, you rock! Maybe that’s just the coffee speaking but this shit is the bees knees y’all. I never understood that expression, bees don’t have knees right? Even after reading the explanation I still don’t get it. That isn’t the first time I’ve said that either. Wow coffee is ggrrreeeaatt, said like Tony the Tiger. My brain is just flying around. It’s like my ADD is on adrenaline or some shit. Oh wait, doesn’t adrenaline calm ADD down? I don’t know it’s all so confusing. Good thing I’m not going to be a doctor. Did I mention I got an extra-large iced DD this morning or does it not need to be said because it’s pretty clear? You guys are the best! Speaking of awesome, this weekend is a 3 day weekend. America, f#*$ yea!

Okay that was all for giggles I’m not really that cracked out.

Look how sparkly my watch is!

Just kidding, sort of 😀

 

Smile today

D

Lets Talk Koalas

Yep these guys

This is completely off topic, as if this blog ever stuck to the topic. Like most households, my dad rules the  television.  We have to ask watch one of our shows, our being my mother and me.  So most of the time we’re left watching what he has decided will be the entertainment for the night. Mainly I will just hightail it to my room to watch what I want. Occasionally though, I like to be social, so I’ll sit and watch whatever is on with the roommates. Last night was koalas.

I guess I’ve never really delved into all things koalas but I  just assumed they were as cute and cuddly as they look.  I guess I should’ve predicted they would be mean little f#*$ers. They do have bear in their name, but I mean they are flat-out nasty! They opened last night show with Mary, who was a slut, and Harry. Well apparently being a female koala entitles you to get humped whenever the male damn well pleases. Sound familiar? Lucky for us it isn’t all “hey baby get over here”, because Mary actually puts up a fight. She’s saving herself for the Buster, alpha koala, hubba hubba. Please find the clip below which demonstrates the noises these little furry, not so nice, creatures produce!

You’re shocked aren’t you, cause so was I! Who would’ve known? The howling/growling type noise you hear at the end is to signal victory.   So they go from being this whinny, little annoying noise, to this fierce, Id be looking for a panther somewhere  in a tree, type noise. The f$%^ is this shit?

Now that we’ve established these creatures are not nice or cuddly we can move on to the way they move. I’m going to go out on limb here and assume most of you have only seen koalas, well, on a limb. ( I totally planned that from the beginning) Sitting in a tree all mellowed out because they sleep 18 hours a day.(?!?) When they do decide to move, it’s hilarious. The documentary showed these guys walking around and I almost peed my pants. See video below

 

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN SOMETHING SO FUNNY!?!? Probably but I crack up every time!  Evolution gave you the short end of the stick koalas. I imagine this is what a frog would look like if it decided to walk instead of hop. I mean it’s just ridiculous. Stick to the tree koalas, stick to the trees.

Thanks for tuning into this week’s Diane Don’t Know Shit About Shit. Tune in next week where we’ll be exploring blind mole rats. We won’t really be, I just had to put something to make it sound cool.

Have a nice weekend y’all.

D

Completely Useless

My head, I wish I could describe to you what my head is doing right now. It feels like my temples are going to explode while my skull is being squeezed. I can’t think straight, hell, I can’t think at all. I know there are pills that will fix this problem but I try not to take them unless I feel like death is looming around the corner. Silly idea probably, seeing as I’m pretty miserable, but I’m secretly hoping the next minute will be the minute that this ache decides to lift. If this is a migraine, I feel bad for the people who have them regularly. I wish I knew what brought this on, so I’d know never to do it again. Maybe it’s because the sun finally decided to come out of hiding and my eyes aren’t sure what to make of it. Or maybe it’s this new detox tea I’m drinking. Or maybe it’s because I put my shirt on backwards this morning. Or maybe the aliens left something in my brain last night after they abducted me. Or maybe I should just take the damn pills because it’s been 20 minutes and it hasn’t gotten any better. Ugh, you win this round headache, but I’ll be back for more. What? No I won’t.

Dont look directly into its eyes!

What just happened?

D