All the World is a Stage and Most of You are My Punching Bag

If you hate to read about people complaining just stop reading here, I promise you’re not missing anything.

You’ve been punched!

News flash, I’m not a saint, or a nun, or the pope.  Seeing that I’m far from angelic nor heaven sent I’m allowed to have days like today where I’ve wanted to punch every single thing I’ve come in contact with. I’m also allowed to post it on the WWW because I have no aspirations to ever run for any kind of political office so blackmail away f#$%ers.

It started with my alarm clock. Along with my many other issues, I am not a morning person. We all hate alarm clocks. It’s that constant reminder that someone, somewhere, is expecting you to be on time, at a time, that’s not at all convenient for you.  So naturally I wanted to punch my alarm when it decided to remind me I needed to go to work today.

My morning routine usually consists of  me rolling out of bed and jumping in a car. I’m still half asleep when I’m walking out the door.  Today I was heading to the door when I noticed how cute my doggies were looking staring out the window with their tails wagging. I decided they looked so cute they deserved a nice morning greeting. Well a leaf must’ve blown by or something because all hell broke loose. BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! They scared the living shit out of me and proceeded to look back at me like aren’t you proud? Assholes, you’ve been punched. Not really though, I love my doggies.

Has anyone else ever noticed that when you need to be somewhere with some sense of urgency that the rest of the world decides it wants to f@#^ with you? Well that was me this morning.  I was advised that I shouldn’t take my usual route to work because the traffic was bad. Seeing as I was already running late because I punched my phone to get a few more minutes of sleep I didn’t need any more hold ups. Let me see if I can describe this scenario to you without making this post into the novel it’s already turning out to be. Imagine you are waiting at a light in the turning lane. There is a car in front of you. You are far enough into the intersection that you’d be in the middle should you not make the light. Although there’s no reason you shouldnt make this light. The light turns yellow. It’s important to the story to mention there isn’t an oncoming car for at least 5 miles so it should be easy breezy to proceed through the light. No, this clown decides he is going to take up all 30 seconds of the yellow light and 15 seconds into the red light to try to figure out how to turn his wheel.  Yea, punched.

Since I couldn’t take my usual route I couldn’t go to my usual DD, Dunkin Donuts. Good thing for me I know where an alternative DD is. I tell myself, “no big deal, I’ll just go to this other one.”  Seems like the rest of the human population had the same idea. The drive thru line was huge and considering I’m already running late and spent an extra 10 minutes trying to get out of a turning lane, I couldn’t have any more delays. DD you’ve been punched.

I usually cannot brain until I’ve had a cup of coffee and even after that it’s a struggle. I haven’t been to Starbucks since I calculated they were robbing me of all my money but desperate times call for desperate measures. I stroll in and I swear the menu is in not in english. “Why is everything in pig latin? I just want to regurgitate what I read.” No such luck today. In the meantime the barista’s were having a chipper morning because they won’t stop chatting among themselves to help me. “Can I have a tall grande venti mocha iced vanilla caramel non-fat hold the coffee add creamer sofa latte”, eventually stumbles out of my mouth. Starbucks deserves to get punched because I have no idea what I’m drinking right now.

True story, my mom asked me a question this morning and I must’ve been extra charming because as I was typing this post she emailed me this.  What can I say, I’m very subtle in my ways.

Theyre not really punches either, more of love taps, that rock the shit out of your face.

D

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Progress Puppy – Day 136

“I will cut a bitch!”

Sorry I’ve been MIA. If you hadn’t noticed, then its fine, I haven’t been MIA. I just haven’t been as bloggly active as I like to be. I was too busy maxing out my cards, borrowing money from people, and doing everything in my power to get me back to square one. Come June 1st though, that’s all going to change! It’s time to play START BACK OVER! ::insert The Price is Right music:: You hear that self, I’m starting over! No more f@#%ing around. I feel like I’m having déjà vu. Been here before, said that before, time to get serious, again. When I look at my charts  and see I started with such great momentum, it’s a little discouraging. All you can do is get back on the horse that threw you.  For those of you who’ve never been on a horse, this is a figurative analogy, because there’s a fat f#%&ing chance I’d be getting back on a horse that threw me.

Despite my attempts, you can not write cursive using line charts.

Is this real life?

 

Since our spirits are already so high why not discuss May’s goals. This month I went 1 for 4. I’m going to go ahead and declare May a victory. Although, if this were any kind of class, that’s a 25%, which is absolutely failing.  Hey but it beats April’s goose egg. Tomorrow I will have June’s goals for y’all.  I’m going to rig it so I get at least a 50% because that’s passing in my book. I have teachers who would argue otherwise but they can bite me.

Chipper as always

D

Hold the Phone

The earth has stopped rotating. Toilets in Australia are flushing in the right direction. The world is probably going to fall out of the sky but I can’t say that with confidence. It’s Saturday and I’m blogging. Go on get down with your bad self.  Historically my little site doesn’t get much activity on the weekends. I consider it a good weekend if combined for Saturday and Sunday I have 5 views.  Small victories. This means that I never have to write anything of substance because no one will read it.  ::high fives self::

It’s the first day of the new yob and it’s everything I thought it would be and than some. It’s like my full time yob but even better. It requires me to “work” even less.  Awwwesomeee! I’m probably going to have to start a second blog to help the days go by. Those of you on facebook make sure you update your status every 10 minutes so I can have productive stalking sessions. Please and thank you.

Ciao

D

COFFEE!!

I honestly think it’s been 3 months since I’ve had me a cup of joe. Today is the 5th day of my return to coffee bender. This isn’t a cry for help because I’m loving every moment of it! F yes coffee, you rock! Maybe that’s just the coffee speaking but this shit is the bees knees y’all. I never understood that expression, bees don’t have knees right? Even after reading the explanation I still don’t get it. That isn’t the first time I’ve said that either. Wow coffee is ggrrreeeaatt, said like Tony the Tiger. My brain is just flying around. It’s like my ADD is on adrenaline or some shit. Oh wait, doesn’t adrenaline calm ADD down? I don’t know it’s all so confusing. Good thing I’m not going to be a doctor. Did I mention I got an extra-large iced DD this morning or does it not need to be said because it’s pretty clear? You guys are the best! Speaking of awesome, this weekend is a 3 day weekend. America, f#*$ yea!

Okay that was all for giggles I’m not really that cracked out.

Look how sparkly my watch is!

Just kidding, sort of 😀

 

Smile today

D

I Like, I Need

My fellow Revenge watchers should already be familiar with this. It was used in an episode during a therapy session and who doesn’t love a good therapy session.  I was immediately drawn to the concept and thought of a how I could use it to pertain to my life. The idea is to name one positive quality, the I like portion, then one area that needs improvement, the I need portion.  I thought this could be good for my readers as well because it really helped make a lot of things I had running through my head much simpler. In this crazy complex world simple is sometimes underrated. Be honest with yourself also, there is no one here to judge you. Well, unless you put it on the WWW, then everyone can.

I Like, I Need

I like my life. I need to appreciate what I have.

I like my spontaneity. I need to start considering the effect it has on others.

I like making others happy. I need to concentrate on my own happiness more.

I like when I’m positive. I need work on my self-confidence.

I like being social. I need to find a balance between healthy and destructive.

I like having money. I need to be more motivated at work.

I like my passion for change. I need to be willing to work harder to make it happen.

I like food. I need to not use it as crutch.

I like being fit. I need to put in a larger effort to be more active.

I like clothes. I need to not hide behind them.

I like when I’m sincere. I need to be more honest with myself and others.

I like me. I need to start showing myself more often.

Wasn’t that fun? Hopefully you’re list isn’t as long, I’m a work in progress. I’ve found that in the past few days whenever I’ve been feeling “icky”, I use this to simplify my thoughts and I end up feeling much better. For instance, yesterday I was hating everything about my job. I took a giant step back from the situation and analyzed it using this format. It went something like this. I like that I haven’t killed anyone yet. I need to go for a drink. 🙂

Rock on

D

It was fun while it lasted

I’m going to officially announce that my vegan movement is over.  The Dunkin Donuts iced coffee I had this morning pretty much sealed the deal or it could’ve been the steak I had last night. Possibly even the 8 slices of cheese pizza I had before that. Either way, it’s over. I’ll be fine because being on a vegan diet was crazy expensive. It also took a lot of work. I’d much rather dive into whatever I can get my hands on. This will be good for my bank account but not so good for my body. Eating excessively and being a lazy s.o.b. do not work out well, plus with bikini season on the horizon, ugh. Has anyone come up with that magic pill yet? Come on guys, I gave you the idea, now make it a reality!

In other news, team garden finished, for the most part.  The blisters, cuts, and sunburn were all worth it because it looks amazing! We worked so hard and it paid off. One of the new neighbors came over last night and complemented us. :patting self on the back: Well done pig, well done!

TA DAH!!

 

Please let this be a fast week

 

D

Lets Talk Koalas

Yep these guys

This is completely off topic, as if this blog ever stuck to the topic. Like most households, my dad rules the  television.  We have to ask watch one of our shows, our being my mother and me.  So most of the time we’re left watching what he has decided will be the entertainment for the night. Mainly I will just hightail it to my room to watch what I want. Occasionally though, I like to be social, so I’ll sit and watch whatever is on with the roommates. Last night was koalas.

I guess I’ve never really delved into all things koalas but I  just assumed they were as cute and cuddly as they look.  I guess I should’ve predicted they would be mean little f#*$ers. They do have bear in their name, but I mean they are flat-out nasty! They opened last night show with Mary, who was a slut, and Harry. Well apparently being a female koala entitles you to get humped whenever the male damn well pleases. Sound familiar? Lucky for us it isn’t all “hey baby get over here”, because Mary actually puts up a fight. She’s saving herself for the Buster, alpha koala, hubba hubba. Please find the clip below which demonstrates the noises these little furry, not so nice, creatures produce!

You’re shocked aren’t you, cause so was I! Who would’ve known? The howling/growling type noise you hear at the end is to signal victory.   So they go from being this whinny, little annoying noise, to this fierce, Id be looking for a panther somewhere  in a tree, type noise. The f$%^ is this shit?

Now that we’ve established these creatures are not nice or cuddly we can move on to the way they move. I’m going to go out on limb here and assume most of you have only seen koalas, well, on a limb. ( I totally planned that from the beginning) Sitting in a tree all mellowed out because they sleep 18 hours a day.(?!?) When they do decide to move, it’s hilarious. The documentary showed these guys walking around and I almost peed my pants. See video below

 

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN SOMETHING SO FUNNY!?!? Probably but I crack up every time!  Evolution gave you the short end of the stick koalas. I imagine this is what a frog would look like if it decided to walk instead of hop. I mean it’s just ridiculous. Stick to the tree koalas, stick to the trees.

Thanks for tuning into this week’s Diane Don’t Know Shit About Shit. Tune in next week where we’ll be exploring blind mole rats. We won’t really be, I just had to put something to make it sound cool.

Have a nice weekend y’all.

D

Ventilation System

We’re just going to let me vent here and move on or otherwise I might lose my mind. As predicted I did not get my raise. 😦 Please see Boasting if you’re a newcomer.  I can’t act surprised because this is how this company is. They “say” they don’t have money or aren’t able to give anyone bonuses or raises but yet, we’re currently hiring 4 new people! My raise would be half, if not three-quarters,  of one of these new f@$*ing people’s salaries. It’s a joke. It’s a damn joke. Not as funny as me crying during an interview but still. We have picnics, BBQ’s, and parties. I totally get what they are trying to do but hear the cries of the little people upper management! No amount of hot dogs or burgers is going to make us happy. WE want MONEY! The real kicker here, I wasn’t even asking for a crazy large raise. I was asking for like 50 f@#&ing cents so that when my check comes I might have a little more wiggle room to head my cause but nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnoooooooooooooooo we can’t do that. We’re a business and want all our employees unhappy. Horseshit.

My company is the baby in this instance.

Just like most businesses, they are willing to take you for all your worth, but not reward you. They want, they want, they want, but yet they can’t meet half way to give back! Should I start a protest? I’ve always wanted to be in one of those. My picket would be the shit, glitter and all! Back to the point at hand, I think I’m going to start an uprising here and we’ll hog all the news coverage from NATO. Take that! They’ll think twice before not giving me a raise.

I like the direction this is headed.

 

Half of you probably aren’t surprised given what kind of employee I project myself as but I really should’ve gotten a raise. Good day. I said GOOD DAY!

D

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Sorry today’s post is a little behind schedule, I was busy trying to figure out where the hell I went wrong in the past 30 days or so. With the aid of my budget sheets, I can figure out quite precisely where I decided getting out of debt didn’t matter anymore. I’m pretty much back to square one, if not worse.  Awesome!  It’s astounding how thick-skulled I am sometimes. It’s like I’m trying to create the image of a heart rate with my graphs.  If this were a normal day I would be highly disappointed in myself and begin to feel borderline depressed, but today isn’t normal. You’re going to have to keep reading to get to the good because this was the ugly.

This is what my chart is beginning to look like. For a heart this is good, for my debt, not so much.

On to the bad, I can already say with confidence that I will not be completing one of my goals this month. I will be taking off Friday. Boooo. Yea, I know, get over it. It’s going to beautiful and I want a long weekend. Judge me if you like, but I figure it’s a pretty good trade-off, because below you find that I not only completed one of my goals, but I knocked it out of the damn park. I bet the suspense is killing you. I can feel it through my screen.

So remember when I gave some helpful pointers on how to have a successful interview? Eeehhh? Remember?? If you scroll down, its right there for ya, named Interview 101. Read that first. Well wouldn’t ya know we can now add crying to the list of successful tips! I GOT THE DAMN JOB! I received the call yesterday and was offered the position. I exclaimed, “Oh how great!” and she replied “Good! We think so too!” So clearly they loved me, hot mess and all. I am beyond excited. It’s not a position to write home about, but it’s going to be another pay check, and more importantly, it’s not a serving position! Thank you to everyone who believed in me and told me crying wasn’t that big of deal while thinking, “Wow, who does that?” You guys are my angels and the keys to my sanity in a total insane world!

Couldn’t have done it without you Britney!

Winning!

D

Sun Smacked

My boyfriend recently purchased a house and just like everything else, the garden needed some major TLC. See my mother’s guest post to learn all about my family’s passion for gardening. Due to age, like most of the house, the garden’s upkeep stopped probably around the 1950s. I wish I was joking.  So while the experts are doing their thang on the inside, I’m going to do my thang on the outside. I’m, with the help of my buff bf, bringing this garden back to life, BOOM!

Yesterday team garden decided to dedicate our whole Sunday to manual labor. It was going to be a beautiful day and seeing as the last time we tried to get out there it turned into a muddy lake that we never signed up for, carpe diem. I threw on my best white tank top and headed out the door. Sunny and a high of 70. I was going to get some bomb ass color. The look of being sun-kissed. That look I have been longing for all winter/spring long.  Well thanks to my genealogical heritage, I’m considered fair-skinned, if not just downright see through most of the time. I’m Irish, German, and Swedish. Go team Europe.  Seeing as I’m coming up on the ripe age of 26ish, I mean 21 still, you would think I would’ve learned a thing or two about my skin.  Apparently I’m just meant to be one of these people who have to make the same mistake 15 times until we can say we’ve learned our lesson.

After dedicating about 5 hours of labor, the sun does more than just kiss you, it smacks the shit out of you. The garden looks phenomenal but my skin is a different story. My skin looks like it did when I was 5 and forget to put sunscreen on. I’ll be peeling in a few days.

Before: When in doubt cover it with stones, lots and lots of damn stones.

After: Still far from complete

After After: I’ll have my white tank top (and bra strap, how awkward) with me where ever I go.

Happy Gardening Season!

D

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