And Now Back to Your Regularly Scheduled Programming

Hey you guys!!!


HHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY I remember you guys!!  Kitten kisses for all!! Sooooooo obviously I took a little unannounced vacation from the blogging world…. my bad.  Between school, and work, and procrastination, I was having some stress issues. That was the climax of this story. Now we’re at the resolution.  I’m coming up on the last week on school and I’ve finally had time to breathe.  SO SO SO SO much has happened. Well, I don’t know about all that much, but it sure as f#($ feels like it was a lot. For starters, I still procrastinate the shit out of everything. One would assume you would learn after the first time but this is me were talking about.  Old habits die-hard. My debt….yea, about that. Its, um, still there. Hasn’t gotten worse but definitely has not gotten better. 0_o  This paycheck is the return of lean, mean, stricter Diane, jumping back up on this horse.  I’m being very vague with everything here because if I spill my guts now, I won’t have anything to talk about for the next 3 weeks.  Plus, for those of you who don’t stalk me on Facebook, like my real Facebook, not this site’s Facebook,  I have some BIG EFFING NEWS!! Like Earth’s rotation stopping kind of news. At least in my own world. :0) No I am not pregnant….. or engaged…. nor did I win the lotto. Stay tuned. Sweet D has missed all you silly asses!


No need for a standing ovation you guys


Beating a Dead Horse

It’s really unfortunate that I have multiply personalities because they do not make decision-making very easy. A little over two months ago I wrote this. I have now found my way back to this predicament. I was looking through pictures and my heart cried a little. I decided then I wasn’t going to deprive myself of the one, crazy ridiculously expensive, thing I love so much. I have one life to live and I want to make sure I can say I did it, for the most part, without regret. Then I get to the checkout screen for the ticket and all the little minions that were telling me this was a good idea scatter. I’m left with the lone guy in the back corner saying I don’t think this is a good idea. WTF minions! I thought we were in this together! Ugh! Now I’m left in the backyard chasing my own tail round and round and round. Each time I think I’ve reached a decision my brain pulls me in the other direction. I told the bf I think I’m having such a difficult time with this because I seriously know what I should do but I don’t want to accept it. I did a list of pros and cons. That didn’t help because over the years I’ve grown and perfected the technique of justifying. I can justify anything. I sit here and look at my list and can justify each pro to each con and vice versa. It’s madness. I’m going to list all my reasons for going and for not going. PLEASE feel free to shed some sane light on my situation because right now insanity is taking over.


Reason#1 – I am paying for it in cash! This will not hinder my debt nor with it affect the amount I’m paying towards my debt. This is money I have tucked away for a rainy day or if I need to flee the country very fast.

Reason #2 – I’m getting to the age where life is changing, aka growing up. I’m going to have more responsibilities and obligations so I don’t know when or if I would be able to go again. Timing is everything. I could very well be able to go the year after that, I just don’t know, and that’s the scary thing. What if something happens and I can’t. Then I will have missed my opportunity and I will wither away and die. Most likely not but I will have the “if only” factor.

Reason #3 – This is far enough in advance where I could save enough to be able to pay for the whole trip credit free, except when I buy my oceanfront bungalow. Kidding, kind of.


Reason #1 – I would be using all 10 days of my allotted vacation time for 2013. We ALL know how I am with my days. Not.a.good.thing

Reason #2 – I’m in debt. I would probably, and by probably I mean most likely, need to buy “things” because I have an illness. I’m not even going to kind of pretend I wouldn’t because I know me and you know me and it will happen.

Reason #3 – I’m in debt. If I am so willing to tap into my savings to buy this ticket then why wouldn’t I take that money and apply it towards my debt. Rhetorical question, I know why, because that’s not fun! This is the only piece of value I have to my name that is actually MY MONEY. Not credit, or a loan, its actual moo-la.

Now I’m sick of listing reasons and I’m discouraged. I’m huffing and puffing and don’t know what to do. These are the moments in life where I ask myself why couldn’t just be a billionaire.


May the force be with you


Zombies are Real

I know this because there was a man caught eating another man’s face and because I’ve been one for the past two days now. Well almost, I don’t have the whole eating humans’ thing down yet. That not drinking like it’s my last day on this planet thing didn’t work out so well, again. I did however make it to work on Sunday and this morning. Maybe I was putting too much emphasis on the wrong sylLAble. I should’ve focused more on the going to work part. The next time I’m in this scenario, which will be at the end of this month, I will aim for making it to work alive the next day versus trying to act my age because that has backfired twice now.

In other news I met JENNY FREAKING LAWSON, aka The Bloggess! I’m kind of a big deal now, in my own mind, mostly. She was hilarious, sweet, panicky (her words) and everything I expected her to be. I was shaking, then I was crying, and I don’t even know why. I think when my mind is freaking out it just resorts to crying, which makes it really awkward for me, so stop it mind! Truly though, she was great. I am so inspired by her, because besides being exceptionally hilarious, she is human, and has had human experiences. If she can make it through everything in her life with a smile on her face then so can I.  WWJD, that stands for Jenny not Jesus, because I know what Jenny would do, I’m not so sure what Jesus would do.

This qualifies as automatic VIP status in the Unicorn Success Club

Also does anyone remember what today is? Probably not, because I never disclosed that information but I’ll let Nemo help me, help you, remember something I never told you. It’s Monday none of this going to make sense.


No Animals Were Harmed in the Making of this Post

Where have I been?!? I don’t really know myself. I was in a funk one day that lead to a breakdown of sorts. That was awesome. My co-worker was on vaca this week so I was expected to pick up the slack, which was not cool. After exerting all my energy working, I had no brain magic left to produce words. I deleted my twitter because I realized I could be found on Google. I’ve been trying to figure out how people get the motivation to not want to sit on the couch all the time. I still haven’t found an answer because being lazy is fan-f@*#ing-tastic. I’ve also been mourning the loss of my garden. It’s been fun the last couple of days.

My garden is not a complete loss, yet. When we started this little project I advised the bf that I wasn’t sure how well anything living was going to take because the “soil” was 95% rocks and 5% dirt. Well to my surprise everything took really well, that 5% must have been packed full of nutrients. We were elated. High fives all around. Then we started noticing some children were disappearing in the night. It started with the tops of our pansies. Try to type that with a straight face. Maturity has never been my strong suit. One morning the bf went to water and discovered there had been a massive slaughtering in the night. I mean totally devastation. I should’ve taken pictures but I didn’t so imagine a flower. I bet you probably have a flower on there, maybe even some buds that are just about to bloom, and possibly even some leaves. Yay for nature! Yea well these murders have deprived us of all that beauty. We’ve been left with stems, horribly mutilated stems.  Ive sent out a neighborhood watch but if you have any information to whereabouts of these monsters please let your local authorities know immediately.

Last seen wearing a cotton tail and hopping west.

NOT cool bunnies, not cool


Sunday Funday

You guys I almost was like an adult last night. I went out, had some drinks, went home at a reasonable hour, and got up for work this morning. I was driving singing, and by singing I mean screaming on the top of my lungs, along to my music and thought, “so this is what it must feel like to be a functioning member of society”. Hot damn, a girl could get used to this. The real test is going to be next Sunday. As a gift the bf got me tickets to what is going to be the BEST concert ever! It falls on a Saturday, I requested off, no big deal. Sunday is the problem. I’ve been giving myself pep talks since last week telling myself I HAVE to behave. I feel like its St Patrick’s Day all over again. Ugh. I’m really hoping I surprise myself but the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. There’s exceptions to every rule right? RIGHT?!?

I also have very exciting news that only really matters to me but I’ll share it anyways. One of my favorite all time, in the history of my life, bloggers has been on tour. She’s touring because she just released her book, “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened (A Mostly True Memoir)”. She finally added Chicago to the last leg of her tour. I was beyond excited but my anticipation quickly turned to gloom because the day she is in Chicago is next Sunday. Fail. -_-   But yesterday I was surfing the WWW when BAM, the best news in the world! Because Chicago loves her so much and her first reading sold out and she added a second date, on Saturday! If I’ve lost any of you, which is safe to assume, that falls on the day I already have off! The blogger I’m referencing is none other than THE BLOGGESS. If you’ve never read her blog please do so I promise you will not regret it. She was one of the main inspirations for starting my blog and I can’t believe I get to meet the face behind the site.


Yes I know I started a sentence with but and because,and I don’t care. Outstanding writing award goes to MEEEEE


Hi ho, hi ho…

it’s off to work I go. This is a little later than I’d hoped. I can only hope you guys weren’t postponing your Saturday activities in anticipation of this post. I’ve got jokes. Well here I am and here you are and I’ve got nothing. I’m pretty sure I’m in love with my new job. It’s probably a little too soon to be speaking so seriously but I have to believe fate played a role here. I feel this strongly and I haven’t even seen a pay check. That’s how you know it’s love.  There are floor to ceiling windows I get to creep, I mean people watch, all day. The office is located in a busy little community so it is constantly pulsing with activity. There are little shops on every corner.   I’ve got my phone playing my music and they serve Starbucks coffee as the office coffee. That’s outrageous! I’m not mad about it. They just need to get a little barista back there to brew up my magic elixir and I’d probably propose. That’s all for now, I have to go feed the ponies, and let the puppies out. Just kidding but there is a unicorn.

Meet Bob. I’m teaching him to make my coffee.


All the World is a Stage and Most of You are My Punching Bag

If you hate to read about people complaining just stop reading here, I promise you’re not missing anything.

You’ve been punched!

News flash, I’m not a saint, or a nun, or the pope.  Seeing that I’m far from angelic nor heaven sent I’m allowed to have days like today where I’ve wanted to punch every single thing I’ve come in contact with. I’m also allowed to post it on the WWW because I have no aspirations to ever run for any kind of political office so blackmail away f#$%ers.

It started with my alarm clock. Along with my many other issues, I am not a morning person. We all hate alarm clocks. It’s that constant reminder that someone, somewhere, is expecting you to be on time, at a time, that’s not at all convenient for you.  So naturally I wanted to punch my alarm when it decided to remind me I needed to go to work today.

My morning routine usually consists of  me rolling out of bed and jumping in a car. I’m still half asleep when I’m walking out the door.  Today I was heading to the door when I noticed how cute my doggies were looking staring out the window with their tails wagging. I decided they looked so cute they deserved a nice morning greeting. Well a leaf must’ve blown by or something because all hell broke loose. BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! They scared the living shit out of me and proceeded to look back at me like aren’t you proud? Assholes, you’ve been punched. Not really though, I love my doggies.

Has anyone else ever noticed that when you need to be somewhere with some sense of urgency that the rest of the world decides it wants to f@#^ with you? Well that was me this morning.  I was advised that I shouldn’t take my usual route to work because the traffic was bad. Seeing as I was already running late because I punched my phone to get a few more minutes of sleep I didn’t need any more hold ups. Let me see if I can describe this scenario to you without making this post into the novel it’s already turning out to be. Imagine you are waiting at a light in the turning lane. There is a car in front of you. You are far enough into the intersection that you’d be in the middle should you not make the light. Although there’s no reason you shouldnt make this light. The light turns yellow. It’s important to the story to mention there isn’t an oncoming car for at least 5 miles so it should be easy breezy to proceed through the light. No, this clown decides he is going to take up all 30 seconds of the yellow light and 15 seconds into the red light to try to figure out how to turn his wheel.  Yea, punched.

Since I couldn’t take my usual route I couldn’t go to my usual DD, Dunkin Donuts. Good thing for me I know where an alternative DD is. I tell myself, “no big deal, I’ll just go to this other one.”  Seems like the rest of the human population had the same idea. The drive thru line was huge and considering I’m already running late and spent an extra 10 minutes trying to get out of a turning lane, I couldn’t have any more delays. DD you’ve been punched.

I usually cannot brain until I’ve had a cup of coffee and even after that it’s a struggle. I haven’t been to Starbucks since I calculated they were robbing me of all my money but desperate times call for desperate measures. I stroll in and I swear the menu is in not in english. “Why is everything in pig latin? I just want to regurgitate what I read.” No such luck today. In the meantime the barista’s were having a chipper morning because they won’t stop chatting among themselves to help me. “Can I have a tall grande venti mocha iced vanilla caramel non-fat hold the coffee add creamer sofa latte”, eventually stumbles out of my mouth. Starbucks deserves to get punched because I have no idea what I’m drinking right now.

True story, my mom asked me a question this morning and I must’ve been extra charming because as I was typing this post she emailed me this.  What can I say, I’m very subtle in my ways.

Theyre not really punches either, more of love taps, that rock the shit out of your face.


Hold the Phone

The earth has stopped rotating. Toilets in Australia are flushing in the right direction. The world is probably going to fall out of the sky but I can’t say that with confidence. It’s Saturday and I’m blogging. Go on get down with your bad self.  Historically my little site doesn’t get much activity on the weekends. I consider it a good weekend if combined for Saturday and Sunday I have 5 views.  Small victories. This means that I never have to write anything of substance because no one will read it.  ::high fives self::

It’s the first day of the new yob and it’s everything I thought it would be and than some. It’s like my full time yob but even better. It requires me to “work” even less.  Awwwesomeee! I’m probably going to have to start a second blog to help the days go by. Those of you on facebook make sure you update your status every 10 minutes so I can have productive stalking sessions. Please and thank you.



It was fun while it lasted

I’m going to officially announce that my vegan movement is over.  The Dunkin Donuts iced coffee I had this morning pretty much sealed the deal or it could’ve been the steak I had last night. Possibly even the 8 slices of cheese pizza I had before that. Either way, it’s over. I’ll be fine because being on a vegan diet was crazy expensive. It also took a lot of work. I’d much rather dive into whatever I can get my hands on. This will be good for my bank account but not so good for my body. Eating excessively and being a lazy s.o.b. do not work out well, plus with bikini season on the horizon, ugh. Has anyone come up with that magic pill yet? Come on guys, I gave you the idea, now make it a reality!

In other news, team garden finished, for the most part.  The blisters, cuts, and sunburn were all worth it because it looks amazing! We worked so hard and it paid off. One of the new neighbors came over last night and complemented us. :patting self on the back: Well done pig, well done!



Please let this be a fast week



Ventilation System

We’re just going to let me vent here and move on or otherwise I might lose my mind. As predicted I did not get my raise. 😦 Please see Boasting if you’re a newcomer.  I can’t act surprised because this is how this company is. They “say” they don’t have money or aren’t able to give anyone bonuses or raises but yet, we’re currently hiring 4 new people! My raise would be half, if not three-quarters,  of one of these new f@$*ing people’s salaries. It’s a joke. It’s a damn joke. Not as funny as me crying during an interview but still. We have picnics, BBQ’s, and parties. I totally get what they are trying to do but hear the cries of the little people upper management! No amount of hot dogs or burgers is going to make us happy. WE want MONEY! The real kicker here, I wasn’t even asking for a crazy large raise. I was asking for like 50 f@#&ing cents so that when my check comes I might have a little more wiggle room to head my cause but nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnoooooooooooooooo we can’t do that. We’re a business and want all our employees unhappy. Horseshit.

My company is the baby in this instance.

Just like most businesses, they are willing to take you for all your worth, but not reward you. They want, they want, they want, but yet they can’t meet half way to give back! Should I start a protest? I’ve always wanted to be in one of those. My picket would be the shit, glitter and all! Back to the point at hand, I think I’m going to start an uprising here and we’ll hog all the news coverage from NATO. Take that! They’ll think twice before not giving me a raise.

I like the direction this is headed.


Half of you probably aren’t surprised given what kind of employee I project myself as but I really should’ve gotten a raise. Good day. I said GOOD DAY!


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